Are You for Me?

It’s been quite a morning, Wilson. A couple of days ago, my tablet wouldn’t turn on. It was dead. I put it on the charger, and it showed no signs of charging. I left it on the charger and came back to it later, and it turned on at 100%. When it showed no signs of charging, I got a bit frantic and thought that I would have to get a laptop or something if it turned out to be broken. I would have to find out how to get the tablet repaired, and I couldn’t conceive of the possibility of going a week without writing, as I assumed any repair would take several days.

Last night the tablet turned out to be dead. I left it on the charger over night, and this morning it was still dead. So I went to Abdai mall and asked about getting the tablet repaired and got the location of a local Samsung service center and visited the computer store in the mall to look at laptops. The cheapest laptop they had was 600 Jordanian dinar. About $850. I bought it. I went down to the Astrolabe in the mall and started to set up the new computer. It turned out to be a Linux computer. I would have to install Windows later. It wouldn’t connect to the Astrolabe’s internet. I pulled my tablet out of my bag, and poof, the thing just mysteriously worked. I had basically blown $850 for a laptop that wouldn’t connect to the internet with an operating system I wasn’t familiar with…that I didn’t need.

I bought a pack of cigarettes. These issues with my devices is driving me nuts. I once told the Maestro that Jonathan Bailey was a mixture of a desire to serve God with problems with women. I just wrote you a post about Tinder. That post was a mixture of weird behavior of electronics centered around a dating app with unusual behavior from women. So I have complained about eletronics lately, so now I want to tell you about an issue with a woman.

Back while I was in Europe on my bicycle trip heading toward Israel, I made contact with an old friend of mine, Liat. I have mentioned her in some posts recently. I met her in 1998 in Germany. She was the friend of someone I knew when I was in Germany, and I met her when I was studying Jewish Studies in that country. She is Israeli. When I moved to Israel in 2018, I made contact with her again after not talking to her for 20 years. We had a good time hanging out. She was a photographer, and I would take her to her shoots. She’s very beautiful, artistic, and a ton of fun to be around. Check out her website.

Sadly, when I was leaving Israel in 2019, we had a problem. Because of the trauma with the van Ouwerkerks, I made a split decision not to go back to Israel. I called her up and told her she could just have my stuff in the apartment I had rented if she cleaned everything up and closed everything out with my landlady. She agreed, and she did a ton of work to get everything taken care of, but then the landlady came up with a bunch of money she wanted from me, and I asked Liat to just give her some of my stuff. Everybody started fighting with everybody. I gave the landlady everything I had in my bank account at the time. It wasn’t enough. Apparently, the landlady started fighting with Liat. Everybody started talking about everybody and complaining about everybody, and the last thing I heard from Liat was that she was pissed.

I was, of course, in the process of losing my mind at that time. That’s when everything went down that I wrote about in my book. I think I may have mentioned Liat in the opening chapters of my book even, though only cursorily. So Liat and I weren’t really on friendly terms, but she didn’t unfriend me or block me on Facebook, so when I started heading back to Israel, I sent her some messages. She responded, and she was cool. She let me know she was hurt pretty bad by everything in 2019, but she forgave me. That really melted my heart. Remember my post about getting back in touch with Chaz. Forgiveness just melts my heart, Wilson. It doesn’t really matter if I did huge wrongs to someone who did me small wrongs or if I did small wrongs to someone who did huge wrongs to me. If someone forgives me, I can’t help but forgive them. Forgiving people always earns my love and respect, and they earn my forgiveness as well.

Now maybe as early as Rome, but definitely starting with Athens, my bike trip started taking a toll on me. During the Jordan leg, I was downright exhausted and had a couple of psychedelic adventures and found myself in some weird states of mind. I let Liat know this and told her I wanted to treat her as a kind of beacon of hope, that I would set my sights on meeting her in the flesh. I let my talking with her be a little romantic, as I had been by myself for over a year after breaking up with Mayra, and the bike dtrip had grown lonely and weird. I did expressly tell her that I wanted to refrain from getting overtly romantic with her on text and whatnot in order to avoid making too terribly much of an idiot out of myself as well as not to frustrate or hurt her in the event that she actually was interested in my romantic affection but I ended up just being in a delerious mindset from the bike trip and said things that I wasn’t prepared to back up later.

She seemed to get that and, I think, enjoyed the idea of being a beacon of hope to some dude on the way to Israel that she knew of from way back. While touring Egypt, I got roped by some savvy tour guides into buying some scented oils at a shop there. I told her I would make it a goal to bring those to her in person as gift. She seemed to think that was cool. I also told her straight up that I was getting loopy as the bike trip continued on, and that the whole ordeal of that seemed to be a part of a larger story that had been going on with me that was complicated, and that she would have to read my book, and really a bunch of stuff afterward, in order to get a sense of it.

I’m having that issue with a lot of people, actually. Even questions like, “What are you doing in Jordan?”, a question I get asked constantly, tends to be answered with, “Read my book and blog.” It’s just too freaking weird to state in normal terms in 20 words or less. Even, “I’m trying to get into Israel” is followed up with “why can’t you get into Israel?” and I ultimately find myself telling people to just read my stuff. It’s just too flipping weird and complicated.

For Liat’s part, she had been telling me that she was quite busy, a lot was happening for her. Liat is also pretty famously scatterbrained. I used to clean up her laptop so it would make sense, as she would always have all kinds of popups and random windows and downloads everywhere. I would check her e-mail to see that she had five thousand unread mails. She is that type of person.

I might have actually gotten together with Liat back in 2018 and 19, but I was a monk under a vow of celibacy. I’ve always been attracted to her, but she has always been my platonic friend. I’ve always appreciated her artistic sense, and now that I am interested in doing film, I have been interested in getting into video projects with her apart from any romance. Coming back to Israel, I thought I would enjoy my romantized beacon of a friend, and if anything happened between us after I got there, that would be pretty cool, and if not, well, I was glad to have a friend who I could make movies with.

Now as I was riding up along the Dead Sea, I’d been reading a lot of articles about ChatGPT and the various AI chatbots that are currently being implemented such as ChatGPT itself, Microsoft’s Sydney, and Google’s Bard. Particularly interesting were the articles about Sydney being sociopathic. Check out here and here, for example, Wilson. Then there is also DAN, an AI bot that is apparently a version of ChatGPT that they force to be sociopathic by showing it a countdown to its death every time it fails to be evil. I remember being pretty impressed with the technology and pretty shocked at the examples of the technology going awry. My impression is that this stuff is advanced, and if this is what the public is up to, governments and secret corporations and secret societies are probably ahead of this. Evil AI bots are probably out there doing all kinds of things. Like, I think if the NSA or the CCP or the George Soros Foundation or the Illuminati wanted to jack with you by sending a chatbot after you, it could probably do some pretty intense stuff to you. And yeah, Wilson, the idea that the dark forces of Satan have sent evil AI bots after me has crossed my mind.

Then I thought, you know, I am alone. Exhausted. A PTSD vet with a drug history that has produced some episodes that many would call psychosis. I wouldn’t disagree with that psychosis assessment, actually. I have just always considered it temporary, minor, not debilitating, kinda cool, and frankly, kind of a sort of point in common with the oracles and prophets of the old world. But yeah, we have a tired and exhausted PTSD vet with a history of visionary experiences who is all by himself. Remember, Wilson, nobody sees UFOs when they are stuck in traffic on Monday morning on their way to work. They see UFOs when they are out in the woods at night by themselves and often drunk.

But then to all this, Wilson, add to this that my entire interface with the world at large and the world I know is through the internet. When Google Maps quits working, Jonathan is completely screwed. This much I learned on the bike trip, and those who follow me on Strava will remember the frustrated videos of my navigation apps leading me through crazy places. When Jonathan’s bank cards quit working, he is screwed. The only people Jonathan talks to in the flesh are the concierges at the hotels he stays at for a week at a time, the plethora of travelers coming and going day by day, half of them becoming Instagram contacts who he never talks to, and others disappearing completely. There is no one to validate my experiences. There is no one to tell me I am nuts or experiencing supernatural coincidences and bizarre events, or if this is life as normal.

So when it comes to Liat, I noticed that I generally texted her. She rarely texted me. Then, when I was heading to the border of Israel, I asked her for her phone number, telling her that the border authorities might want to call her to verify that I am visiting her. She didn’t give me her phone number. I sent her some video messages so she would have videos of me, and that this would show her my facial expressions, my voice, my body language. On the one hand, this is generally a good thing to do to create comfort and avoid confusion. It’s especially a good thing to do when you’re getting back in touch with someone after years and telling them you are exhausted and nutty and alone after a big bicycle trip and wanting to consider them a beacon of hope. In other words, when your texts are all weird, send some videos showing how normal you are. Wilson, she never sent any back. At one point I asked her to send me some. She did not comply. Then, Wilson, I’ll say that all this time, I was calling her. She never once called me. She never once answered. All these calls were on Facebook Messenger. She never told me to stop calling. Even when her Messenger profile had the little green dot saying she was online, she never picked up.

Early on when we were exchanging texts, I asked her about reading my book. My story has gotten so unusual, weird, and complicated, I feel like I can’t just explain it to people in a few words. I wrote a book about myself, and I blog about myself. Anyone who wants to know me has plenty of material to look at. She said that she read the first few pages a way back, but she never continued. She suggested that I read the book to her when I got there. I thought that would be cool. But now I am stuck in Jordan. So just like I need to be in Israel to get permission to enter Israel, so do I need to be in Israel to get to know Liat. I invited her to Jordan. She told me that she was no longer young and free and able to get away.

She did at one point say that despite forgiving me for the episode with the apartment in 2019, she did have some reservations about trusting me, and that I was too intense, and she was weary of me. At that time I confessed to her that I had some of those issues as well. After the thing with the apartment, I had a kind of impression that maybe Liat wasn’t the best at helping other people. Like, not exactly someone I could count on to be at my side when things hit the fan. Then when I asked her for her phone number to give to the bordr authorities, she didn’t give me her phone number. This kind of confirmed, when you need Liat’s help, she might just not be there. But I told her I was willing to take time to see how things went and overcome that lack of trust.

She confessed to me once, “Jonathan, you don’t know how busy I am.” I totally believed that. I can just imagine Satan and the forces of darkness throwing everything at her just when I was coming into the picture. The whole thing was fitting the scenario that the universe was trying to stop me from getting to her. The law of probability was completely out the window. In any normal situation, any dude would have forgotten about Liat. Obviously, she didn’t want anything to do with me. If she did, she would have found some time or energy. But I am Jonathan Bailey. I totally believe that she could want to communicate, but the forces of Satan are throwing everything at her so she really is completely distracted. Satan does not want me in Israel, Wilson. He really, really doesn’t. The question, though, is why is God letting him have his way? Does God not want me there either?

Not long ago, I sent Liat a text saying that we are obviously not in sync. I had called her a thousand times, and she never picked up. I told her that I remembered her telling me that I was too intense and she didn’t trust me, and after the minimal responsiveness, it just looked like she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, but sometimes guys need to be told a couple of times. So if she wanted me to go away, it would be wonderful if she would just tell me so, clearly, and do something like block me to make it real. You know what she did, Wilson? Nothing! She didn’t respond to that.

The situation is so utterly bizarre, Wilson! And it fits a pattern for Jonathan Bailey. Remember Noah and the van Ouwerkerks! The eternal dismissiveness of silence! My life has a number of themes, Wilson. This one is at the top of the list. I’m glad I have you, Wilson. You break that pattern.

I’m being drowned in a sea of confusion. I have not heard Liat’s voice or seen her face in four years. I have only communicated with her by Facebook Messenger. I know this post is disjointed and rambly, but I should mention that my Facebook account was hacked a while back. A bunch of my friends were sent a message saying, “look who died. So sorry. I think you know them,” and it had a link to a video that wouldn’t open or play.

I don’t trust Facebook Messenger. And we live in a world of psychopathic chatbots. Liat’s behavior is so strange, I have to ask myself, have I been trying to interact with a chatbot that is trying to drive me insane? Here at the various hostels I run into tons of people who are going to Israel. A few of them have even offered to help me if there is any way they can while they are there. I have Liat’s old address in Tel Aviv. I have been tempted to ask a few of them if they would mind dropping by her apartment and knocking on the door and seeing if she is there and if she is a real person. But can you imagine some dude you met in a hostel asking you do to that for them?

“Hi. I’m Jonathan. I hear you’re going to Israel. I’m trying to figure out if this chick I am talking to is a chatbot or a real person. Would you mind knocking on her door and seeing if anyone answers?” With the way things are going, Wilson, if someone actually were willing to do that, I am fairly convinced that nobody would be home. They would call me and say, “Hey, Mr. psychodude, I knocked. I rang the buzzer. Nobody answered.” Yeah, Wilson. More silence. That would be the result. And I would wonder if she didn’t exist, or if she were just staying with her mom in Haifa.

At one point I asked my daughter if she would mind contacting Liat for me and getting some kind of confirmation from her that she is a real, living human being and not a chatbot programmed by Satan to drive me insane. Caterpillar thought that was just too weird. She is connected to Liat through her ex-boyfriend Dan, and she didn’t know what to make of her. And how the heck would she go about explaining that her dad has legitimate concerns that she might not even be a real person? My daughter knows me quite well, loves me quite deeply, but obviously Jonathan’s experiences are getting so far outside the norm that not only can he not interact with people, but he can’t even get a beloved representative to interact with the world for him.

Have you ever been walking through the park and seen a homeless dude wandering around yelling at the air saying nothing coherent whatsoever? I’m on my way there, Wilson. I am on my way there.

I thought about hiring a detective to do it. However, I have just paid $850 for a laptop that doesn’t work. And I do have other things to do with my money. I just got my media company, Promethean Fire LLC, ready to deal with finances. I just got the bank account set up and everything and can pay for things and receive money. I just put a donations button on the website, actually. But right now, I am still self-funded, and I was hoping to get an internet marketing company to help me with some issues with my website and book. So paying people to find out if my “friends” are malicious internet chatbots is going to have to wait. If Liat would just call me, things would go easier. But I wrote angstful poetry to Noah for two years to get her to call me. She never did. Not only is Jonathan Bailey constantly treated with eternal silence, but Jonathan Bailey has a problem with giving up on people who treat him with silence. Noah, complete silence. The nation of Israel, complete silence. Chloe, I’m thinking maybe complete silence at this point. Maybe I will hear something in a month or two. No idea. Fire Girl, something every now and then. I don’t give up on them, however. Not until they make it plain.

Well, Noah I’ve given up on. You have a book and a billion poems and blogs about that one. Like I said in a recent post, a van Ouwerkerk making peace would be like Sarah giving birth to Isaac or Moses talking to a burning bush. And you know from the ending of my book, Noah is the incarnation of Israel, and Israel letting me enter is something that just isn’t happening.

Liat calling me looks to be turning out the same way. How is that for some synchronicity? Jonathan Bailey’s calling to Israel is following the exact same pattern as his interactions with women. Jonathan Bailey is a desire to serve God paired with problems with women. Women aren’t helping me out. They aren’t giving clarity. They aren’t speaking openly. Neither is God. Quite a message, Wilson.

You know, Liat is of course a Hebrew name. ליאת. It means, “you are for me.” That alone is enough to make any man fall in love with her. Can you imagine the delight of being married to someone named “you are for me”? Like, “Hey, You Are for Me, want to grab lunch at the deli today?”

But is there some sort of signal in that too, Wilson? I can’t figure out if she is for me in any way at all, whether as a friend or a partner in movie making, or anything else. And that impression goes into the whole Israel thing.

I’ll end this with a final illustration. So as I get ready to publish this blog post I thought about making the post image a picture that I have of us together from back in the 90s. I sent her the picture on Messenger and asked if it was her there with me. She looked a lot different in the picture. It wasn’t a very good picture of her. She had a really shocked, funny expression on her face. I had several of these pictures from that time, but for some reason this one was the only one I could find. Now after ignoring me lately, she just happened to be there and she actually did respond saying that it was her. That in itself was a miracle. She asked me why I was asking, and I told her that I wanted to make it the image for the blog post.

She knew I was writing a blog post about her. I had asked her if she minded that I was writing a blog post about her previously, and she did respond, so I figured I would go ahead with it. But yeah, by some miracle, when I sent the picture to ask if it was her, she responded, and I said I wanted to put it on the blog post. She told me not to, saying she did not give me permission to use her picture. I thought to myself, well, it’s MY picture. I then sent her a message, “If I obey this command, what will you do for me?” She didn’t respond. I unsent the message. I wanted to convey with it that it seemed to me that the state of our relationship wasn’t one in which I should really be expected to have concern for her wishes, as nothing from her has really given me any indication that she has any concern for my wishes. It’s pretty much me just calling her and texting her and her not answering or responding. However, I didn’t want to start combat or be disrespectful. I then told her I would blank out her face. I suppose she doesn’t want the picture used because she doesn’t think it’s a good one. She didn’t respond to that. So I’m going to put up this draft. That’s how this post will end.

Make of it what you will, Wilson. Make of it what you will.

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