Noah, Part Three

I’m writing to say that it’s time to let you go. I’m sure the tribes of the church of hatred will click their heels and jump with joy at those words, but they don’t exactly mean what they hope they do. They mean that I am just going to have to let go, and this will mean that you will sink to deep places within me that I don’t call to mind. You’ll still be with me, though. I just have to open myself to new experiences and people and set myself free. I’ve alluded at times to the fact that you are not the first time this has happened to me. It happened with Fire Girl as well, and she never went away and will never go away. Our attention was able to turn elsewhere, though, and it was in that state that we married others, and it’s why we aren’t together. That, however, is why whatever happened with you was able to happen.

I’m sorry I never came back for you. I wish I could tell you everything that happened with that. I’ll be trying to figure it out for the rest of my life, and at times I have attempted to enlist your aid in helping me figure it out, to no avail. It’s something I will always carry, and I suppose the angels will explain the whole thing to me when I get to heaven. I look forward to seeing you up there as well. That’s probably the only environment that will be able to overcome the fear and judgment and presumption that has reigned in all of this. I want you to know that I would have at all times and will now and always will at any time fly halfway around the world, no, I’d fly around all of it twice, if there is anything you should ever need or want that I can be in any way of aid in helping you with. Just say the word. You won’t say the word, though, so I have to take my own path.

That said, I suppose I should write down the words that I want to leave you with. I want to tell you that no one on earth has ever loved anyone to the degree or in a way that I loved and love and will always love you. There is no category for it at all. That’s part of the problem. Everyone had so many assumptions about something that never was, so many fears of what might be, that nothing ever happened. So, then what resulted was a sort of a stem cell of perfect purity. I suppose I could have wound up as anything from a friend to an uncle to a lover or whatever, but apparently all there is going to be is a memory of something unlike anything else. In one sense, that in itself is amazing, and whatever sort of reality that would have materialized would have become something more mundane than what is, but I don’t want that in any way to dissuade you from changing that if you should ever need or want to. I chat with Fire Girl from time to time. Yes, it’s more common than the memories I carried for decades, but it’s better. Who knows what would happen if I were actually to encounter you? I only know that it would be a good thing.

So then finally, I want to thank you for being the inspiration for an experience of mine that isn’t like anything I have ever heard of anyone else experiencing, horrible in ways, yes, but utterly powerful and unique. I want you to know that the three memories I have, and the half-dozen pictures I have, and the songs I have, are absolutely the most beautiful things I have ever encountered. Your physique doesn’t even begin to describe your splendor. No matter what happens to you in life, I want to always know that you are incredibly incredible. Jesus Christ wanted me to tell you that. He also wanted me to tell you that he will always be with you. No matter what. As a soldier in his army, I would be at absolutely egregious fault if I didn’t carry his torch for you and promise you that I also will always be with you and for you. No matter what. As his instrument.

You’re not going away, but I am letting you go, to float freely in my soul out of my view. I am at the bittersweet point of relinquishing the exceptional in order to return to the sustainable. Nothing will replace you. You’re never alone. The best part of me is always here for you. No matter what.

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