The Star of the Sea (the Twenty-Fourth Chapter)

Good morning, maestro. I haven’t written much lately because my stepfather is here in Mexico. He wants to buy an apartment. In fact, he bought a car today. It has been very difficult to finish these final parts of my story. I think that every month there are more and more anchors for me in Mexico, of course just as I have decided to return to Israel. That’s also why I have also stopped going to our yoga classes. Sorry. Focus seems nearly impossible, and meditation, designed to engender focus, seems like more of a distraction than anything else. I’m in the midst of a massive transition. In previous e-mails I told you a bit about the many distractions that have kept me from writing. When adapting to Mexico, I seemed constantly distracted from becoming comfortable here. I assumed the distracting force was divine. And having decided to go to Israel, I seem to be constantly distracted from leaving. I assume the distracting force is infernal. And above all I seem distracted from writing about the whole thing. Again, I assume the distracting force is infernal. I hope I’m not boring you bore you with all this. I have nothing more to tell you about drugs or crazy adventures. I guess the really shocking and catchy parts of the story are over. And I have been pontificating on those for a while now. I just have to mention a few more things in order to bring about some kind of conclusion. However, I think the end of everything will be interesting enough.

I don’t know if this e-mail is about my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, I’m not sure. She is probably the best woman I have ever had a relationship with in my life. However, I am contemplating leaving the country to return to Israel, The Promised Land, the country of and also the country of the electrochemical Girl, a point which causes no small amount of anxiety. I mean, I have decided to go to Israel, but I am still wondering why. What do I really want to do this trip for? What kind of a trip will it be? How long will it last? What will come of it?

The things that came out of my girlfriend of a year shed a lot of light on the dilemma. So I think it will be a good idea to describe her and our relationship. Yes, maestro, you already know all about her. She is Mayra Arroyo, the waitress we met at Café Madoka, the place where we had our first classes. Although she is very important, I have not told you much about my general impressions of her and our relationship. I found her while I was with you, during a time of disappointment, confusion, and hopelessness that I described previously.

Yes, maestro, her name is Mayra, exactly like Mayra Flores, my prostitute friend. Now I even have an interesting story about this name. It has to do with a movie. Do you remember the movie Logan and my story with Chloe, my X-23? Well now I have to add one more movie to add: Scent of a Woman , with Al Pacino and Chris O’Donnell.

That film describes the relationship between Frank Slade, a retired United States Army Lieutenant Colonel, and Charlie, his teenage babysitter. Frank had a stupid grenade accident in which he lost his eyesight and his honor. He was drunk at work playing with grenades when one went off and he lost his sight. From that day on, his niece dedicated herself to taking care of him. Married with family and wanting to go away for a Thanksgiving holiday, she hired Charlie to take care of the colonel for the weekend. Frank took the opportunity to escape to New York, eat at a good restaurant, make love to a beautiful prostitute, and then blow his brains out. With or without the babysitter.

For his part, Charlie was a student at an elite boarding school for rich white boys. You know, the kind of school that the kids of billionaires and politicians go to. As the story goes, one day he saw some students pulling a prank. They wanted to fill the headmaster’s car with paint or something. Stupid kid stuff. I do not want extend my description for longer than I need to, but for thoroughness I’ll add that the headmaster found out that Charlie knew something and began to pressure him to expose the miscreant pranksters. This is the setting in which Charlie accompanies Frank to New York. Frank is suicidal, and Charlie is facing the prospect of ratting on other students or getting in serious trouble. Over the course of the film Charlie convinces Frank not to commit suicide, who then in return uses his wisdom and charisma to defend Charlie from the intrigues of the school.

There are other important details in the story. After his departure from the army, Colonel Frank would languish thinking of women who would not love him because he was a blind failure. He couldn’t see, but he could smell. He sat for months smelling perfume, and over time he became able to identify all the perfumes in the world.

Then, at the end of the film, literally in the final scene, after a spirited Frank, with a renewed zest for life, had defended Charlie from the vileness of that high school of rich children, the brat introduced him to one of his teachers. It was old, but it was good. And, best of all, she seemed quite aroused by the old ol ‘colonel’s various experiences and adventures. To impress her, Frank offered to tell her what perfume she was wearing. He sniffed like a bloodhound and said: “Your perfume brand is Flores del Arroyo . ” He was right.

Master, it was very difficult for me to simply say that this was a coincidence. Long ago, in 2019, I identified Charlie with Noah van Ouwerkerk. If anyone could give me back my hope and my joie de vivre, it would have to be the Electrochemical Girl. If I were to make another nick name for her, it would have to be Charlie. The reference to “Flores del Arroyo” is also interesting. I have already mentioned several Mexican women in my other e-mails, but Mayra Flores, the escort, and Mayra Arroyo, are the only ones I have considered to be girlfriends.

And seriously, the occurrence of the two Mayras whose last names were a cinematic reference to the Electrochemical Girl was fascinating. I searched the internet for the meaning of his name. I wanted to know what the universe wanted to tell me. I have no idea if what I found was correct, but the a quick internet search produced a site that told me what I wanted to know. It was some site about baby names or something. These sites often have flimsy information that is often unreliable, so I make no claim about veracity, but the definition given for Mayra was “star of the sea.” I understood that these women were bright spots in a journey without current or direction.

I don’t know how to explain it to you better. obviously God was writing a story with many subtleties and symbols, and I was doing my best to interpret them.

At that time Mexico was like another Israel because of COVID. Mexicans did not express their typical hospitality. I’ve told you fifty times I felt isolated during that summer. So I was looking for a partner. Thank heaven I was not a monk. I had abandoned my vows a year ago. There was no reason to be alone.

I love Mayra very much. There is the archetype of an author who travels to an exotic country and rents a cabin on the beach to write a novel in a pleasant environment. While there he picks up a girlfriend among the locals. Someone to clean up for him and satisfy his sexual needs while he is far away writing a novel. When his work is finished, he leaves the country and abandons his girlfriend like someone checking out of a hotel. He leaves with the experience of having known the country deeply, of having enjoyed its palm trees, the sand, the waves and the flesh of a local woman. It’s a rather clean story of a short, causal relationship. I’ll tell you, maestro, that’s not how it went for me. I’ve told you that women are anchors, and she was a spectacular one. True, she is the essence of the local girl. I mean, I know that there are many cultures in Mexico, but for me Mayra represents the best and the quitessence of Mexico.

She is a spicy and exotic woman, feminine and free, the Amazon heroine of an old and primordial world. She does not hate men. Mexicans in general don’t. And she treated me with profound love and respect. Something that I hadn’t experienced in a significant romantic relationship in decades.

She doesn’t have a classic model’s features, but for me she is extremely beautiful. Her hair is like a veil of dark chocolate that frames the skin, the sweet honey caramel skin of her face. She has a fit, feminine, and very beautiful body. One unique feature about her is that she is slightly knock-kneed, which I find adorable. I should add that he’s 39, just in case you still thought I’m some kind of pedophile. The thing with the Electrochemical Girl was is a unique experience for me.

The most beautiful thing about Mayra, however, is her nature. She behaves like an extremely cool chick. She is kind, happy, funny and witty. She loves to work, and I am captivated by her joyous and childlike singing while mopping the floor or washing dishes. I confess that she makes me happy in a day-to-day sense.

Not only do I love her nature or her personal demeanor, but she is pretty much the only woman who treats me in a healthy way. I think it has something to do with her nationality and personal manner. In Mexico, unlike Germany, Israel or the United States, it is not a crime to be male. I suspect that she has some insecurity because I am a gringo and I have more money than her. Maybe a certain fear of losing someone causes them to be cool. Sad, but a possibility. But in any event, she treated me like I was valuable, and I have great difficulty in not returning that sentiment. I cannot describe the quality of her honor or the respect she has for me. In addition, is a Christian, although from Luz del Mundo, a sect that resembles the Jehovah’s Witnesses. For me, however, the doctrines of churches are not very important. I do not care about their dogmas, forged by narcissistic clergymen who know nothing about God or his spirit, whose sole purpose is to divide and profit, as good disciples of Satan.

We don’t have the same spiritual perspectives, however. We certainly didn’t click in any kind of spiritual harmony. This was a point of concern of mine, but over time she has become less rigid in the things that have raised my eyebrows. We are a good influence on each other.

I could say that in her I finally found the paradise in Mexico that I had been looking for. But this is not the tale of a normal guy, maestro. It is the story of Jonathan Bailey, the father of all the ways that heartbreak can possess. At least that’s the way it has been for the past two years. Of course, I have carry a bag of misery that stains everything.

In Mayra’s case, we had privacy issues. Or rather, I had barrier issues. Mayra is a very sensual woman, just like the archetype of the Latin woman. She likes to sing, dance and, of course, have passionate and wild sex. Sadly, I couldn’t absorb his passionate vibe. We hardly had sex. I never wanted to. It was not a matter of impotence, but I suppose if we had tried to have sex many times, that would have reared its head at some point. I just never felt like I could be intimate. Occasionally I would have to take great efforts to avoid making love to her.

I didn’t know why this was the case. It could be several things. I am forty-eight years old, and many men are simply not interested. Although, in my case, that wouldn’t explain my attempts to avoid sex. For example, many men my age have a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. I am no exception. The difference is that the vast majority of older men do not hide their Viagra in order to avoid having sex.

I had a good time with Mayra Flores in bed, but we never had the environment of a committed relationship. Sex itself was not a problem, but apparently with Mayra Arroyo was afraid of something. Maybe I was afraid of my relationship with her. I can only surmise various causes for this strange behavior, but they would merely be guesses. I don’t know specifically if my reservations had to do with the Electrochemical Girl, or with my decision to leave Israel, or simply the anxiety and changes resulting from the drugs. My relationship with Mayra continued to improve and deepened, but I just never wanted to have sex. Mayra accepted it. That’s a thing women go through at this age when their men first start to lose interest, and then ability. They get complexes about their fading beauty, and then they just make peace with it. I guess Mayra was in some sort of similar process. She did not understand the causes. Neither do I. But she didn’t argue the matter.

As I developed a legitimate love relationship with Mayra, other things started to happen that convinced me that something weird was going on. I lived in my apartment in Zapopan and wanted to get a house to start a permanent life in Mexico with Mayra and her children, but we had difficulties finding a space to rent. Things would oddly fall through due to weird circumstances. As if the universe didn’t want it to happen. In the end we decided to just stay at Airbnbs to explore different parts of the city. From that time until now I haven’t had a true mailing address.

At some point we decided that her children would spend more time with us in the Airbnbs. They had been living with their grandparents. After a few days of the boys being over, I had a stress attack. We decided that I needed private space. The boys returned to their grandparents, and we never talked about the why of everything. I felt like I had let the kids down.

During my time with Mayra, I didn’t entirely stop thinking about Electrochemical Girl, I did my best to try. She didn’t put any more new songs on Spotify. I had already written dozens of poems and short stories for and about her on my blog, as well as alluded to her in cryptic Facebook posts. I never heard from her. I closed the matter. I can only conjecture about the full extent of problem with my girlfriend. Surely Noah had some part to play in my unconscious mind, but it’s also highly likely that something far larger was happening.

Possibly all my issues with women and PTSD, and my anger about the state of genders in modern civilization, ultimately ruined my ability to have a romantic relationship. This would be strange, though, because I love my mother and daughter and several friends in my life, and am really not that misogynistic despite flamboyant rants against the #MeToo movement on Facebook. I I say again, had no romantic or sexual problems with other women.

Frankly, I think I have a fear of commitment that goes beyond what most men have. I think I was afraid of committing to my whole life in Mexico, and Mayra was the most significant piece of that. I guess in my life, including one-night stands and short, casual relationships, I have had 30 or 40 women in my life, but only four or five significant relationships of a year or more. The Fire Girl, my high school sweetheart Christina Speers, a French girlfriend from my years in Germany, Cecile Deviller, and my ex-wife Karina. It seems to me that it is a very common romantic life for a man my age. Above all of them, I think Mayra is the best girlfriend I have ever had.

Yes, after crap with the Army and my eight years as a monk, I thought I would never have another girlfriend or wife in my life, but after my year in Israel and leaving my vows, I thought I would have no problem building a typical life with a house and woman. I acknowledge that many men my age have reluctance when it comes to commitment, but many others are absolutely desperate to find a woman. I definitely didn’t consider myself a part of the first group.

I began to wonder about the issue of Israel. Do you remember, teacher, my emails? In the first ones I told you that I had gone to Israel because I was relatively recovered from my PTSD. My daughter had come of age and I, at 46, was retired and receiving a good pension. I reviewed my life and saw that in the army I had studied Russian and Arabic, and Judaism and Hebrew in college. I sought purpose in the place.

Upon my arrival in Israel, I prayed many prayers to God to show me any path in Israel, but instead I found the van Ouwerkerks. The subsequent trauma is the center of my story. My prayers to God were answered by the result of my own weakness and took the form of a dance with the devil himself. The infernal jackass obviously wanted to alter my perceptions of reality and my spiritual ideas. Clearly, he did absolutely everything in his power to prevent me from going to Israel. I learned how weak I was by being subjected to utter and absolute infernal slaughter. Don’t deny it, maestro. The episodes I had with the drugs were not normal.

However, it seemed to me that God was using my spirituality and my relationships with women to do something. Vidal, you know me a little. You should already know that Jonathan Bailey is a combination of deep spirituality and problems with women. God wanted to tell me something with all that.

The devil used my issues with women to attack me, but God wanted to do something different. The woman he chose for this was Noah van Ouwerkerk. For this reason, although my life in Mexico was a paradise, I could not commit myself to this new life.

In the end, after many months, in March, I decided to do a search for the Electrochemical Girl. I saw that she had put a video on YouTube. In a short of shock and excitement about seeing her in the video, I entered a single word as a comment Supercool! Initially nothing happened. But after a few days removed all her videos from her YouTube page. I cannot describe my sadness and my disappointment. Hadn’t she even read one of my poems? Was I just still a sexual harasser? Maestro, can you imagine anything more pathetic?

But in that moment I could see that the Electrochemical Girl and Israel had a connection in my heart. I didn’t understand the details, but there was certainly causality in the triangle that Israel, the Electrochemical Girl, and I formed. The devil used the girl to disconnect me from Israel, but God used her to get me out of Mexico and thereby force me to contemplate my destiny.

The devil attacked me like I was the the Messiah coming to vanquish him and purify the earth. Perhaps this meant that God wanted me to do something in Israel. I couldn’t get used to Mexico. I couldn’t adapt. And despite having found the best girlfriend of my life, I could not forget the Electrochemical Girl.

Above all, I was constantly praying to know something about the Electrochemical Girl, at least to get help with the distinction between insanity and reality. It was obvious that I couldn’t get used to my life in Mexico. Yes, I assume that a life in a new country is not an easy matter under any circumstances. In my PTSD condition and with residual symptoms of psychosis from methamphetamine use, the problems I described in my Carolina email should be normal, but they are not insurmountable.

However, the difficulties with my relationship with Mayra, again I tell you that she is the best girlfriend of my life, convinced me that a life in Mexico would be impossible without resolving my psychological and spiritual issues. Mayra is certainly a star, but I was just simply not able to live in the sea. There was a bewildering array of things I could consider for causes. It would have been a dream come true to know the role of the Electrochemical Girl deep in my heart and her effect on my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. A call like “Jonathan, please don’t leave your new country and your wonderful girlfriend on my account” would have been a healing of many very deep wounds and could have been very helpful in determining my life’s path.

Sadly, I never heard from young van Ouwerkerk. But I had to find a resolution to my perpetual unease. I think the problem would have been the same in any country, the United States, Germany…it doesn’t matter. In my next e-mail I will tell you the solution. I think the story will need much more.

And at this point I have to tell you different things about spiritual things before I tell you about my understanding of everything and my plans for the future. I will write to you soon. I promise. I hope your date with Hidaí goes well. have a good evening.

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