The Dialog (the Seventh Chapter)

Hola, maestro. So far my emails have explained the event with the van Ouwerkerks and why I left Israel along with the inclusion of a mythological story about a being who wanted to alter reality with his mind. I also told you about my first drug experience where I found temptations and threats from the devil, to the effect that I started to lose my sense of reality. However, I do not know if my madness started with drugs. Upon leaving Israel, I hit by a trigger from my PTSD: a man accused me of being a pervert because I had asked his daughter to help me study Hebrew. My reaction to this was to fall in love with her. I never said anything to this young woman. I actually only had one little conversation with her via Facebook Messenger in which she told me I was a creep. However, when I listened to her songs, I got the idea that she was thinking about me. I couldn’t, and still can’t, forget about this woman because I don’t understand the nature of all these events. I only wish I could attribute this to the insanity of drug use, but this notion that she was sending songs to me that were about me preceded using drugs.

A month ago you were asking me about these Noah van Ouwerkerk songs. I guess you were curious to know if a normal person like you would see a reason to believe that Noah actually was sending me songs or not. So I want to show you the lyrics of the songs, so you can determine if my madness started with drugs or Noah. This e-mail won’t be an easy read. But if you want to really have the information you need to make a determination about what was going on, you really need the songs and their words. Sorry to inflict this upon you, but I don’t see that there is any other way to show you how I was connecting things together.

It’s not easy to determine when I started thinking Noah’s songs were talking about me. But the first one that I thought referred to me was added to Spotify in July 2019, not long after I left Israel.

You’re no longer there, I feel
An emptiness at an early age
In the morning I saw mother leave
We had to struggle on our own
Nothing is the same
But I’ve come a long way
I followed my dream

I’m hurting in my soul, in my DNA
But what must I do
So that you return to me?
Sometimes you know
I hold back my sorrow
I hold back my sorrow
I’m hurting in my soul, in my DNA
But what must I do
So that your return to me?
You know, my heart is quarantined
Pain in my DNA

Love goes back and forth, yes we know that
People don’t love each other for a long time
But a father’s love
Is it in the genes?
It’s that way and not otherwise
Your absence is hard for me to bear
But I’ve come a long way!
I followed my dream

ADN – TAL

She definitely missed someone. She was worried about whether the love would last until her lover returned. Interesting. Who was this lover? I think the song may have originally about someone who missed their father. But I thought it was interesting that she referenced the love of a father, as if there were a choice between an absent lover and a father.

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

I need somebody to heal
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It’s easy to say
But it’s never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi

Again she references an absent lover, this time with an overwhelming sense of abandonment. She is a passionate lover with deep need. She’s isolated, possibly depressed. After listening to these songs and others, I made a list of songs imagining her situation, pretending that I was the lover. So the song below is from me to her. It is not one of her songs.

She walked out of her house
And looked around
At all the gardens that looked
Back at her house
(Like all the faces
That quiz when you smile…)

And he was standing
At the corner
Where the road turned dark
A part of shiny wet
Like blood the rain fell
Black down on the street

And kissed his feet she fell
Her head an inch away from heaven
And her face pressed tight
And all around the night sang out
Like cockatoos

“There are a thousand things” he said
“I’ll never say those things to you again”
And turning on his heel
He left a trace of bubbles
Bleeding in his stead

And in her head
A picture of a boy who left her
Lonely in the rain
And all around the night sang out
like cockatoos

Like Cockatoos – The Cure

I imagined how she felt when I abandoned her. I sent her another song. Again, this next song is from me to her.

Drifting out of time
Something on your mind
And I wanna be the one that you call
When you get down
No matter where you are in the world
I’ll be around

Fly me away on an aeroplane
High in the sky wanna see you again
Wanna know this time
Gonna tell you what I’m feeling
Gonna know this time
Gonna get it back that feeling

Miles and miles of sun
Endless roads twist on
Don’t wanna live a life
In a world that’s all the same
The crazy little things
That you do are magical

Fly Me Away – Goldfrapp

I imagined that she missed me and wanted to come to me. I sent her a song that seems to describe both of us, at least in my solitary mind. It talks about being alone and throwing out message to see if anyone will open it and get the message. Yet again, this song below by the Police is from me to her. Not from her to me.

Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

Walked out this morning
Don’t believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone at being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home

I’ll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

Sending out an SOS…

Message in a Bottle – The Police

And I sent her another song that described the frustration of wanting someone that they can never have. The frustration that she may have had as a teenaged woman for an old man, which would be an impossible relationship. It would be a relationship that she and I could never have.

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head ’til I don’t want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on, tell me!

You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something I can never have

Something I Can Never Have – Nine Inch Nails

So the above was the last of the three songs I put up that described the situation. Not much later, she put another song on her playlist. It just floored me. The song below is from her, from Miley Cyrus. It seemed a perfect reaction to my song about something she could never have, nor I for that matter. It was utterly crushing to me to listen to it. It describes a complete surrender of the hope of anything at all. This song was devastating on so many levels. If this song was not just randomly put on her list because she liked the beat, but if it had any meaning at all for her, it was completely devastating. If it was not related to me, if she felt this way about anyone, I couldn’t handle it. Again, if it had nothing to do with me, but if she had some boyfriend that she felt like she had to give up on, I would just have to fly across the ocean and sweep her into my arms and her that I would never sleep, not for a second, until I had gotten her this boyfriend back. Her feelings were so powerful to me, regardless of whether her songs were about me or not. The song is about a love described as paradise, that couldn’t be, because she was no longer a young seventeen year-old, but jaded and mature at eighteen! So she had to give up and resume life as normal. I could not tolerate this under any circumstance. Of course, being in my emotional state, crazy, I was thinking that I could be the guy in this song. I can’t remember if I had done the drugs at this point, but I don’t think I had. So for one, you can see my confusion, as I was dealing with the loss of sanity that I described to you previously from the meth, but this was going on in my head before I blew my brain up. If I was not talking to a teenager on the other side of the planet, who was I talking to? Was God channeling something through this girl’s playlists? Was I having a relationship with something else? Or was some kind of miracle of synchronicity occurring where I was actually talking to this girl? Do you see how maddening this can be? Do you see how just talking to her to find out what was going on could redefine my entire mental paradigm?

Anyway, so here is the song below for your perusal. I know I am an idiot for expecting you to actually look through these lyrics, and this e-mail is going to be painful for you to get through. But, you wanted to know, so I am giving you want I think you would need to decide just how crazy I am.

Once upon a time it was paradise
Once upon a time I was paralyzed
Think I’m gonna miss these harbour lights
But it’s time to let it go
Once upon a time, it was made for us
Woke up one day, it had turned to dust
Baby we were found but now we’re lost
So it’s time to let it go

I want my house in the hills
Don’t want the whiskey and pills
I don’t give up easily
But I don’t think I’m down

So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
I’ll go back to the city lights
So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
Nahh nah nah you’ll slide away
So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
I’ll go back to the city lights
So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
Nahh nah nah you’ll slide away

Once upon a time it was paradise
Once upon a time I was paralyzed
Think I’m gonna miss these harbour lights
But it’s time to let it go
Once upon a time it was made for us
Woke up one day it had turned to dust
Baby we were found but now we’re lost
So it’s time to let it go

Move on, we’re not seventeen
I’m not who I used to be
You say that everything’s changed
You’re right, we’re grown now

So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
I’ll go back to the city lights
So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
Nahh nah nah you’ll slide away
So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
I’ll go back to the city lights
So won’t you slide away
Back to the ocean
Nahh nah nah you’ll slide away

Move on we’re not seventeen
I’m not who I used to be
You say that everything’s changed
You’re right, we’re grown now

Slide Away – Miley Cyrus

After this, I added an oldie but goodie to my list of songs in which I imagined how she was feeling. Remember, the song below is from me to her, but it is not describing my feeling about her. It is my thinking about how she was feeling, whether about me, or someone else. Of course I had it in my heart that this was how I thought she felt about me. So the song is about what I thought she thought about me. It’s a song of frustration and anger from a person abandoned telling their lover they they just aren’t going to answer the door. That’s how I understood her song slide away, saying things were just over.

You went away and left me long time ago
And now you’re knockin’ on my door

I hear you knockin’
But you can’t come in
I hear you knockin’
Go back where you been

I begged you not to go but you said goodbye
And now you’re tellin’ me all your lies

You better get back to your used-to-be
‘Cause your kind of love ain’t good for me

I hear You Knockin’ – Dave Edmunds

After putting up some songs on a list that I thought described her feelings, even possibly about me, I decided to make a list of songs that describe how I was feeling about her. And yes, this is definitely my feelings about her. Her songs could well have just been random songs put on her lists for no other reason than she thought they were catchy. Though there was a good likelihood that they described her feelings about something. Or someone. And I say again, this alone, these feelings, are what make her so incredible to me. The fact that I was thinking they were about me, well, this is where passion and miracle meet. Or passion and stark, raving lunacy. You be the judge, maestro. With this first song I was possessed of the idea of something amazing happening, that I had somehow entranced this young woman of spectacular beauty and feeling. It was an invitation to start something. It’s my answer to her hopelessness about the impossibility of whatever relationship she was lamenting. I was thinking something serendipitous was afoot.

Dance dance, if you do that dance
I’m gonna let you join my one man band
Be my doll, be my baby doll
Come get to know me like the back of your hand
I like the name hanging on that chain
I like the way you do the push and the shove
You can blow my mind if you’re that way inclined
All that I know is that you fell from above

She fell, she fell, right under my spell
Oh now pretty baby come on!
She danced, she danced, right into my hands
Oh now pretty baby come on!
Be my butterfly you and I will shake it
We can roll in at the top of the morn’
And if you feel the need
I’ll send you Godspeed
To meet your maker at the break of the dawn

Get out of the doldrums baby, now!
You liar, I’ll set you on fire
Get out of the doldrums baby, now!

Do your thing on the beat of the bang
I’ll put a melody inside of your head
No need to shout, what you bitching about?
I think those things are better left unsaid
She had a look you won’t find in a book
And she smelt like 1969
You could blow my mind if you’re that way inclined
All I know is I’m gonna make you mine
She fell, she fell, right under my spell
Oh now pretty baby come on!
She danced, she danced, right into my hands
Oh now pretty baby come on!
Be my butterfly
You and I will shake it
We can roll in at the top of the morn’
And if you feel the need
I’ll send you Godspeed
To meet your maker at the break of the dawn
Get out of the doldrums baby, now!
You liar, I’ll set you on fire
Get out of the doldrums baby, now!

She fell, she fell, right under my spell

Holy Mountain – Noel Gallagher

The song below is about the idea of synchronicity. That in most cases the people in the world are out of synch, and surely I would be out of synch with her in a lot of ways. At best we were exchanging songs. At worst I was talking to the universe without even needing meth to do it. But in all cases, there are these moments when people synchronize. If I was communicating with her, this would be a miracle of the first order. If not, I was experiencing something utterly profound, which would be a miracle in and of itself. I wanted to convey that due to this possibility of synchronicity and miracle, I did not want her to stop. The wrong words can rhyme, and I would be following close behind.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You’re barely waking
And I’m tangled up in you
Yeah

But I’m open, you’re closed
Where I follow, you’ll go
I worry I won’t see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I’m quiet you know
You make a first impression
Well, I’ve found I’m scared to know
I’m always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don’t stop here
I lost my place
I’m close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

Collide – Howie Day

I followed this doozy I sent another song. Yes, maestro, I know that thus far you’ve only gotten three songs from this girl and a boatload from me, both my assumptions about her feelings and now my own statement of my own feelings. All I can say is that over a year there were hundreds of songs. I think I’ll only be able to give a sample of the first few here. I am trying to be utterly thorough and methodical, starting from the beginning and going chronologically. So yeah, I sent this flurry of songs out into the airwaves hoping she would hear them. The one below, again from me to her, is about how absolutely enchanting she was to me as an older man from another generation, and an invitation to have a connection despite that. I didn’t even know about this song from my regular experience with music. It just randomly came up when I was thinking about these things, and it seemed to fit the situation absolutely perfectly. It acknowledges the difficulty of these types of relationships, but highlights how she was exactly what I needed my my broken, decrepit state.

You shine like a star
You know who you are
You’re everything beautiful
She’s hot, hot like the sun
The loneliest one
Still everything beautiful
Well I’ll be god damned
You’re standing at my door
We stayed up in the city
Until the stars lost the war
So Friday night, holy ghost
Take me to your level
Show me the one I need the most
I need the most

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could’ve got so high
Now we’re here it’s been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh I hope you don’t mind
We can share my mood
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

Truth, it’s all that you need
You bury that seed
It’s everything beautiful
That sound comes from the underground
It’s all inside you now
It’s everything beautiful
But what are you running from?
They got you on the run?
So Friday night, holy ghost
Take me to your level
Show me the one I need the most
I need the most

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could’ve got so high
Now we’re here it’s been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh and I hope you don’t mind
We can share my mood, yeah
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

Maybe we can share my mood

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could’ve got so high
Now we’re here it’s been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh and I hope you don’t mind
We can share my mood, yeah
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

I Wish I Knew You – The Revivalists

But all that said, the song below is a song that is definitely and indisputably from me to Noah van Ouwerkerk, at that time an eighteen year-old Durch girl in Israel who I think about to this day. It’s a song of challenge. It’s a song to not let the fire in her heart go out, and to take the challenges that the world throws at her and rise above them, because I need her to be a vessel of love, and that her love would save me, and that I wanted nothing more than to marvel at her splendorous beauty. The same is as true today as it ever was, and it’s true whether she ever knew who I even was on this earth or not. Finally, the song talks about wanting to say many things to her but not knowing how to do so. I think you know this song. It’s famous.

Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don’t know how

Wonderwall – Oasis

Yet again, after three paltry songs from her, I continued my onslaught of communication to her. This time a song from New Order. A song about the fragility of the soul, about the scarcity of love and connection, about the very idea of her being something utterly, devastatingly transformational to me. That after that year of desolation in and after these problems with her family, her affection was the very food that would keep me alive. I hope you haven’t nodded off tying to keep up with this, maestro. It’s a good song. It says a lot. An utter irony from the title, almost prophetic, is the title. Crystal. Yes. Meth. Again, I hadn’t smoked any yet. But you know I certainly did later. So if I were not talking to a real person, was I unconsciously delivering prophecies about my own life? You be the judge.

We’re like crystal, we break easy
I’m a poor man, if you leave me
I’m applauded, then forgotten
It was summer, now it’s autumn

I don’t know what to say, you don’t care anyway
I’m a man in a rage (just tell me what I’ve got to do), with a girl I betrayed
Here comes love, it’s like honey
You can’t buy it with money, you’re not alone anymore,
(whenever you’re here with me),
You shock me to the core, you shock me to the core

We’re like crystal, it’s not easy
With your love, you could feed me
Every man, and every woman
Needs someone, So keep it coming
Keep it coming, keep it coming, keep it coming

I don’t know what to say, you don’t care anyway
I’m a man in a rage (just tell me what I’ve got to do), with a girl I betrayed
Here comes love, it’s like honey
You can’t buy it with money, you’re not alone anymore,
(whenever you’re here with me),
You shock me to the core, you shock me to the core

Keep it coming, keep it coming, keep it coming

Crystal – New Order

Yes, I know you are wondering when this e-mail will end, but I have to keep going. My apologies. All beer is on me when we get back to Madoka. I promise. bear with me. This song below was just my marveling about the situation about sending songs to her. It’s from one of the sweetest, gentlest, kindest men I have had the privilege of reading about and listening to the music of. Jim Croce. He had hard life, but he enjoyed the ability of being able to write his own music. And he loved someone. So he wrote a song about it. I wanted to say something about using songs to tell Noah how much I loved her. I couldn’t do anything but send songs, so I sent her this one.

Well, I know it’s kinda late.
I hope I didn’t wake you.
But what I gotta say can’t wait,
I know you’d understand.

Every time I tried to tell you,
The words just came out wrong,
So I’ll have to say I love you in a song.

Yeah, I know it’s kinda strange.
Every time I’m near you,
I just run out of things to say.
I know you’d understand.

Every time I tried to tell you,
The words just came out wrong,
So I’ll have to say I love you in a song.

Every time the time was right,
All the words just came out wrong,
So I’ll have to say I love you in a song

Yeah, I know it’s kinda late.
Hope I didn’t wake you,
But there’s something I just gotta say.
Know you’d understand.

Every time I tried to tell you,
The words just came out wrong
So I’ll have to say I love you in a song.

I’ll have to Say I Love You In a Song

After a while, though, my heart began to sink. She didn’t put up any songs for a while. I was losing hope. So I put up another song pleading for her attention. It’s a common anthem that a lot of people think of when they don’t hear from those they love. It rings so true even now in this very moment as I sit here stuck so far away. Notice the name of the group. “A Great Big World.”

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I… am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I… will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I… will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-Ooh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

Say Something – Christina Aguilera with A Great Big World

Time continued, and she still didn’t put any songs on her list. I was worried what would happen if she never did again. I certainly couldn’t let go of what was happening. It was very powerful for me. I wanted to explain to her how powerful what was going on was for me. So I sent her the song below from Miguel. This person I had never met was branded into me. I needed to drop this, but I had no idea how to do so.

It never fades away, it’s staying
Your kiss like broken glass on my skin
And all the greatest loves end in violence
It’s tearing up my voice, left in silence

Baby, it hit so hard, holding on to my chest
Maybe you left your mark, reminding me to forget
It doesn’t matter where you are, you can keep my regret
‘Cause baby, I got these scars, reminding me to forget
Reminding me, I got these scars, to forget your love
Keep reminding me, ooh, to forget your love

You left your burn (in my heart)
You left your mark, reminding me to forget

There’s no room in war for feelings
Hurt me to the core, still healing
And I know you’re no good for me
So I try to forget the memories

Baby, it hit so hard, holding on to my chest
Maybe you left your mark, reminding me to forget
It doesn’t matter where you are, you can keep my regret
Baby, I got these scars, reminding me to forget

Remember I told you
To save it, it’s over
And I’ll be alright
So hurt me as much as you like
I need you to let go
I got these mementos
And I’ll be alright

Remind Me to Forget – Miguel and Kygo

So now you’ve got this mountain of songs about my feelings about her. I spewed an ocean of passion, finally ending in the despair of never hearing from her. It was at that point that she put a song on her playlist. Remember, the last song she put on her list was “Slide Away” that basically said she was giving up on whatever she had going on. So this next song was a shocker. Again, if this was not just some random pop song she put up on a list, if it was about someone, or even about me, it was a complete change of tone. She wanted to motivate someone. It says that what was going on was not normal and worth pursuing. It was the perfect reaction to someone who was losing hope and who didn’t know what to do about a feeling, a phenomenon, that wouldn’t go away. So now, finally, maestro, you get a song from her. Tell me how you think it fits as a response to my songs above. And if it wasn’t a response from her to me, was something recognizing my mental state and challenging me to allow that thing to motivate me? If not Noah, then what was it? Or was it all just madness?

Imma break you off, let me be your motivation
To stay and give it tonight
And, baby, turn around, let me give you innovation
Hey, ’cause I do it so right

You got that good good, baby, don’t you?
Got that good good, baby, don’t you?
But you leavin’ solo
Ain’t regular, that ain’t regular
I ain’t gon’ keep, keep fightin’ for it
‘Cause you know this thing here
Ain’t regular, that ain’t regular

Fallin’ into the bed
Why would we ever do somethin’ instead of
Fallin’ into the bed right now?

Imma break you off, let me be your motivation
To stay and give it tonight
And baby, turn around, let me give you innovation
Hey, ’cause I do it so right

Think about it, oh, think about it
Think about it, oh, take a look at me now
Hey, a little motivation, alright

You got a bad one, baby, don’t you?
Got a bad one, baby, don’t you?
And we both know there’s no
One better boy, no one better boy
Too late, won’t make it, Imma tell ’em
Get you naked but I won’t tell ’em
‘Cause you know that there’s no
One better boy, no one better boy

Fallin’ into the bed
Why would we ever do somethin’ instead of
Fallin’ into the bed right now
(Eh, right now now)

Imma break you off, let me be your motivation
To stay and give it tonight (and give it tonight)
And baby, turn around, let me give you innovation
Hey, ’cause I do it so right

Think about it, oh, think about it
Think about it, oh, take a look at me now
Hey, a little motivation, alright

Imma break you off, let me be your motivation
To stay and give it tonight
And baby, turn around, let me give you innovation
Hey, ’cause I do it so right

Motivation – Normani

But it didn’t stop there, maestro. Yes, you’re going to get more than one song from her this time. She followed the song above with the one below. It started to get wild. Again she is longing for someone she can’t call. And after her song about giving up on love from Miley Cyrus, she wanted to renew whatever love she was thinking of giving up on. So if she had some boyfriend far away that she had previously given up on and was now wanting to love again, she put this song up right after I had given my concert of serenades about love for her and inspiration by her. And she put it up right after she had told this person with the song by Normani that she wanted to be a motivation for someone. I needed motivation. Anyway, have a look at the words and tell me how they fit.

I wake from my slumber
I wish I could call you up
Miss how you’d put your love on me

Boy you’ve got my number
Wish I could feel your touch
Wish you could follow up on me, oh

You never know when to chill
Always talk ’bout keep it real
Only ’til you’ve had your fill
Then you want to cry ill will
Really thought you knew the deal (Ooh)
Oh well, I guess that’s what happens
When two fools be falling in love
Mix in some pain and some passion
Nothing is ever enough

If you can, take my hand
I promise we’ll find love again
Love again, yeah, yeah
If you can, take my hand
I promise we’ll find love again, yeah (I promise)

You don’t even say what’s up
Round yo boys you act so tough
Like you’ve never been in love
If you don’t quit actin’ up
Alone is where you gon’ end up, I promise
You may think that I’m crazy
You should ask around ’bout me
Put yo trust in me baby
Aye, yeah

Hold on ’til the end
Hold on ’til you can’t extend
I be clingin’ on to you

And then begin again
Orbitin’ around and then
Circle back around to you
Comin’ back around to you
I’m comin’ back around and

Even on your worse day
Love you in the worst way (Worst way)
Circlin’ around for eternity
Goin’ through the motions
You’re turning me, internally
Driftin’ on my own again
Reachin’ out to hold your hand
I wanna be alone with you
Can I be alone with you?

Love Again – Daniel Caesar

And yes, she put up another song. If this wasn’t just her randomly putting up songs, she was lamenting. The song was an impassioned plea about love that wasn’t happening, but could have. Yes, maestro, I left Israel and didn’t come back, and she was swooning about a love that could have been. It was a song of confusion, about not having answers. I know the feeling! Tell me what you think about this song she put on her list. Doesn’t it fit with everything above?

Please, allow me to show you something
Somebody give me, yeah

Somebody give me, uh
Somebody tell me the answers
Me and you, isn’t the answer, uh
Me and you isn’t
Maybe I’m tellin’ myself that
But there ain’t nothing that’ll change that
What good would it be, if I knew how you felt about me? (yeah)

It could’ve been right but I was wrong
Only think ’bout you when I’m alone
Part of me that cared just know it’s gone
And I know, that I can’t, get caught up

We could’ve been and we tried to pretend
Every now and again
We don’t dream about, don’t think about what
We could’ve been, though I’m holding again
‘Cause I know in the end
You dream about, I think about what
We could’ve been, we could’ve been, yeah
We could’ve, damn

Remember?
Remember the night in Miami
First time you put your arms around me
I’m up reminiscin’ (ooh yeah)
Thinking ’bout you isn’t helping
Thinking ’bout you doesn’t tell me
What good it would do, if I decide to face the truth

It could’ve been right but I was wrong
Only think ’bout you when I’m alone
You only hit me up when she’s not home
And that’s why, I can’t, get caught up

We could’ve been and we tried to pretend
Every now and again
We don’t dream about, don’t think about what
We could’ve been, though I’m holding again
‘Cause I know in the end
You dream about, I think about what
We could’ve been, we could’ve been
We could’ve, we could’ve been
Oh we could’ve been, we could’ve been

What we could’ve been
What we should’ve been
If I wasn’t, if I wasn’t-
With somebody, if you gotta hide it what’s the point of trying?
I ain’t just your friend, no, what’s the point of lying?
Tryna sell a story ain’t nobody buyin’
Look me in my eyes, don’t that feel nice?
Why should it end? Baby I could’ve been
I could’ve been him, more than your friend
Just say where and when, where to make a trip
Baby make a wish, be the one I’m with
Should’ve been a-, should’ve, could’ve, would have been, ay
Yeah I would have been (damn)

Could Haver Been –

And yes, maestro, she put up another song. It contains the most powerful sentence ever written in this English language: “If I have to choose between my heart and you, I’m gonna lose.” This is one of the most powerful songs I know of, actually. And I know a lot of songs. If Noah felt what this song is saying, Noah has one of the most powerful hearts on earth. It tells of a bit of personality that I have attributed to my Electrochemical Girl. She is temperamental. She can be angry. She is angry at this person far away, and she is complaining that her feelings put her in a precarious position. This would certainly be the case if she carried a torch for some forty year-old on the other side of the planet with a dad who hated the guy. I wanted to know what sort of relationships she really was experiencing. And she wants to know if nothing will ever happen. What if nothing changes? What if this dude she is thinking of never comes back to her? Have a listen. Doesn’t it make a story? And doesn’t it fit with the songs I sent her?

Wanna believe what you say
But I hate you on most days
You’ve been testin’ my faith and my patience, yeah
And you know that I be headstrong
But you know that you be dead wrong
Tellin’ me to relax when I’m reacting

But I, I’d rather fight
Than lose sleep at night
At least you’re all mine
And if I have to choose
My heart or you
I’m gonna lose, yeah

What if nothing ever will change?
Oh, I’m caught between your love and a hard place
Oh, I wish there was a right way
I’m caught between your love and a hard place, oh

Do I even have a choice when
I’m gonna have to pick my poison?
How you hurt me so good, it’s so good
And even when you cause tears
You’re the one to wipe them away
Maybe that’s the reason I stay, I stay

But I, I’d rather fight
Than lose sleep at night
At least you’re all mine
And if I have to choose
My heart or you
I’m gonna lose

What if nothing ever will change?
Oh, I’m caught between your love and a hard place
Oh, I wish there was a right way
I’m caught between your love and a hard place, oh

What if nothing ever will change?
I’m caught between your love and a hard place
Oh, I wish there was a right way, yeah
I’m caught between your love and a hard place, oh

Hard Place – H.E.R.

I have another song from her for you, maestro. This one is quite different. It also tells me something about the Electrochemical Girl who would live in my head for years. This song below is highly sensual. It’s a little naughty. It certainly fits with a young, spectacularly beautiful woman talking to some old dude who surely must be lusting for her. It also talks about how she can be a little capricious. To be honest, maestro, I was absolutely charmed. Utterly and absolutely. It contains a warning that she is going to be a handful. It is completely contrary to the heavy feeling of “Hard Place” and laments about lovers forbidden and far away. The breadth of feeling in this chick is flooring. No man could resist a personality so magnificent.

I know you want me
Everyday, not only when you’re lonely, yeah
You see you think you know me
But you don’t even know nothing about me, yeah

You see my thick thighs
Lost when you look into my brown eyes
See my little waist can make you switch sides
You never know the devil in a disguise
So why don’t you stand up baby and

Tell me, tell me, tell me
do you want me on top?
So let me show you, show you, show you
I don’t need to back it up
Don’t wanna hold you, mould you, scold you
Split you in half with my heart
I just wanna love on you, trust in you, honour you
Please do the same on your part

Be honest (Be honest)
You want this (You want this)
But I can be heartless
Regardless of my conscience
Be honest (Be honest)
You want this (You want this)
But I can be heartless
Regardless of my conscience

Take time
You no say I run whenever I see bad man
Before you come my way make sure you think twice
Look into my eyes but I can never see ice
I can point a gun but you know I could never lie
Come through
I can show you something you can run to
When I’m finished you’ll be feeling brand new
Will never be somebody you can run through

And I can put that on my life
One time, no cap, big vibes
Slow down, catch feels, get high
If you make your bed then you can lie
Just please don’t waste my time

People they talk dem ah gisting
But the way your body twisting
Make me lose control inna dis ting, boy
And it’s all because I’m thinking of us
Don’t go throw me under the bus
Under a spell, I’m under your love
I don’t know why nobody want me

Me say my baby, no they do me bad
Put your hand inside my goody bag
If I do you bad, I beg you make you no do me bad
Give me one time, one try, be mine, this time
Take time, same time, make we no they waste time
Girl I’ll never lie, you already know I’ll be honest

Be Honest – Jorja Smith

The next song she put up just melted me. So after these sad songs about doomed love and uncertainty of a lover far away, and after the sensual admission of a capacity to be angry and heartless, she puts up this song of childlike joy and excitement by none other than the American Authors. Did I mention to you that I am American, maestro? I am not going to say much about the song, only that for me, to hear this song, and to have an idea in my head that she could even be thinking this stuff about me, well, for a guy in a collapsed PTSD emotional state, this could put me to sleep with a smile and have dreams of balloons and rainbows. I’ll et you take a look.

I had a dream so big and loud
I jumped so high I touched the clouds
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh
I stretched my hands out to the sky
We danced with monsters through the night
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh

I’m never gonna look back
Whoa, I’m never gonna give it up
No, please don’t wake me now
Oo-o-o-o-oo
This is gonna be the best day of my life
My li-i-i-ife
Oo-o-o-o-oo
This is gonna be the best day of my life
My li-i-i-ife

I howled at the moon with friends
And then the sun came crashing in
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh [x2]
But all the possibilities
No limits just epiphanies
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh [x2]

I’m never gonna look back
Whoa, I’m never gonna give it up
No, just don’t wake me now

I hear it calling outside my window
I feel it in my soul (soul)
The stars were burning so bright
The sun was out ’til midnight
I say we lose control (control)

Best Day of My Life – American Authors

Then she added another song, cute in its sound, but powerful in its meaning. It talks of someone who loves someone that nobody they knew in their life would ever be able to comprehend, and that she would give up all of the comforts of her life to have. Again, I won’t say much about it. I think when you see me you are going to kill me for making you read all this. But you asked what the deal with the songs was, so I am telling you. Have a listen and tell me that it doesn’t fit the situation that was brewing in my head.

My house in Budapest
My, my hidden treasure chest
Golden grand piano
My beautiful Castillo

You
Ooh, you
Ooh, I’d leave it all

My acres of a land
That I’ve achieved
It may be hard for you to
Stop and believe

But for you
Ooh, you
Ooh, I’d leave it all

Oh, for you
Ooh, you
Ooh, I’d leave it all

And give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
And baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

My many artifacts
The list goes on
If you just say the words
I’ll, I’ll up and run

And give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
Baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

Give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
And baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

A-ooh, a-ooh

My friends and family
They don’t understand
They fear they’ll lose so much
If you take my hand

But, for you
Ooh, you
Ooh, I’d lose it all

And give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
And baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

Give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
And baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

My house in Budapest
My, my hidden treasure chest
Golden grand piano
My beautiful Castillo

You
Ooh, you
Ooh, I’d leave it all

Budapest – George Ezra

Okay, maestro, who could resist falling in love with this? All it took was to give credence to the idea that these weren’t just random songs put on a playlist. If these songs captured the person of Noah van Ouwerkerk, whether they were about me or anybody else, then what we have here is the queen of all women. This is how Noah van Ouwerkerk became my Electrochemical Girl. And all of this was before taking drugs. PTSD is a motherfucker. I was hopelessly entranced. And I would find out that enchantment would never end. I had to talk to her. I had to find out if anything in my head corresponded to what was going on in reality. And that’s when I decided to call her. And that’s when everything with the police happened. And that’s she repeated verbatim the words of her father to me that I was a disgusting person and that she didn’t want to be in the same country as me. That’s when I went out and met Chaz at the sex shop. And that’s when what connection I had to reality turned into a complete schizophrenic breakdown. Before going to the sex shop I put another song on my playlist. It was about a phone call gone horribly, awfully wrong, with a woman who was not the woman I knew. So to be clear, this next song was from me. Not from her. Have a look.

Lime green lime green lime green and tangerine
Are the sickly sweet colours of the snakes I’m seeing
Lime green lime green and tangerine
Are the sickly sweet colours of the devil in my dreams

Lime green lime green lime green and tangerine
Are the sickly sweet colours of the snakes I’m seeing
Lime green lime green and tangerine
Are the sickly sweet colours of the devil in my dreams
It gets to Friday and I give you a call
“You know I’m getting kind of worried
No she doesn’t seem herself at all…
Lime green and a sickly kind of orange
I’ve never seen her like this before…”

I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with angelica
Red and blue soul with a snow white smile
“Can you dig it?”
I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with angelica
And now I dig it in the dirt
And I’m down here for a while…

You’ve got to make up your mind and make it soon
Is there room in your life
For one more trip to the moon?
Is there room in your life
For one more?

Burn red burn red burn red burn red and gold
Are the deep dark colours of the snakes I hold
Burn red burn red burn red and gold
Are the deep dark colours of the devil at home
“She pulls me down just as I’m trying to hide
Grabs me by the hair and drags me outside
And starts digging in the dirt…
For a not so early bird it’s the only way
For her to get the worm…”

I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with angelica
Red and blue soul with a snow white smile
“Can you dig it?”
I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with angelica
And now I dig it in the dirt
And I’ll be down here for a while…

“Hello? are you still there?”
…And much too late…
“…Sorry… wrong number…”

Wrong Number – The Cure

I just couldn’t believe what happened. I put up a song to my Electrochemical Girl. If I was still talking to Noah I had no idea. Well, I never had an idea in the first place. Only something in my collapsed heart. So I put up an old classic from Elton John to beg this image in my mind to be real and not to go away.

I can’t light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I’m growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can’t find the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me – Elton John

Then something really weird happened. Remember, there was a police report filed. She puts a song on her list about how someone should not worry about police sirens because they really didn’t do anything wrong. The song was an R&B bit that looks to be basically about gangland violence. But a song about not worrying about the police? I’m not kidding. Have a look.

I wanna turn those blue lights into strobe lights
Not blue flashing lights, maybe fairy lights
Those blue lights into strobe lights
Maybe even fairy lights, not blue flashing lights

Don’t you run when you hear the sirens coming
When you hear the sirens coming
You better not run cause the sirens’ not coming for you
What have you done?
You went to school that day
Was a bit late but it was a Monday
Kept after class for answering back
You apologized any harm in that

I wanna turn those blue lights
What have you done
Into strobe lights
There’s no need to run
Not blue flashing lights
If you’ve done nothing wrong
Maybe fairy lights
Blue lights should just pass you by

Gun crime into your right ear
Drugs and violence into your left
Default white headphones flooding the auditory
Subconscious waves you accept
You’re sitting on the 4 back home
“Where you at, G? Answer your phone!”
Pause the poison to answer his message
Your boy sounds rushed, fears for his adolescence

I wanna turn those blue lights
What have you done
Into strobe lights
There’s no need to run
Not blue flashing lights
If you’ve done nothing wrong
Maybe fairy lights
Blue lights should just pass you by

Tall black shadow as you’re getting off the bus
Shadow shows no emotion so what’s even the fuss?
But the face of your boy casts a darker picture
Of the red handed act, he’s gonna whisper;
“Look blud I’m sorry cause I know you got my back
He was running, I couldn’t think, I had to get out of that”
Not long ago you were miming to the “Shook Ones”
Now this really is part two cause you’re the shook one
Hands you the tool as you question your friendship
How’s man like you gonna make me a convict?
Level of a felon when I’ve done nothing wrong
Blood on my hands but I don’t know where it’s from
Oh, you got blood on your hands but you don’t know where it’s from

You better run when you hear the sirens coming
When you hear the sirens coming
Better run when you hear the sirens coming
Cause they will be coming for you
Run when you hear the sirens coming
Better run when you hear the sirens coming
When you hear the sirens coming
The blue lights are coming for you

Blue Lights – Jorja Smith

I didn’t know what to make of all the above, as I went out and did the drugs I described in the previous mails and basically lost my mind. I went through the various experiences that I am going to describe to you in the coming e-mails, all the while continuing to listen to songs from Noah. Lost in life, George suggested we go travel Latin American once he got his finances together. After recuperating from the events that I will describe to you in coming e-mails, I decided to go down to Mexico to learn Spanish. I said as much on Facebook, and not long after Noah put a song on her plalist in Spanish about having fun in the barrio. I’ll post it below, but it will be the last one, as it looks like I am starting to mess with the chronology of my story. I’ll show you the song and offer some closing commentary.

You always said: “Go away
Cause I don’t care about you anymore”
Why would I write a poem for you
If you’re going to burn the pages
Lightweight like elephants
In a china shop
Gipsies like diamonds
Among Latin gangs
To die, to die for you, eh
It’s no use because, eh
I will leave the sea behind
While falling on these streets
I used to call you, you used to tell me

Look for me in the barrio
As if, as if we were in the dark
In the night I see you
My house looks nice to me
You say: “It doesn’t suit you”
But come here in the neighbourhood
To dance with me

The barrio always plays music anyways
Plays music anyways

Barrio – Mahmood

So that’s the last song I am going to put in this thing. I’m sure you are praising Mother Mary that it’s over. But you wanted to wanted to know about these songs. This is only the beginning the the song saga. It’s the part from before my first drug bender that I just described. It gets even weirder. There are even more coincidences. But you see from the experience I just described I was entering into the territory of schizophrenia. Everything was turning into coincidences. I am going to tell you about two more drug experiences that will blow your mind. Only by the grace of God have I been able to recuperate from the mental meltdown that I suffered. I’ve never heard of anybody coming back to sanity from something like that. If you think the e-mails describing my day after the sex shop were strange, the ones after were more intense. People just don’t make it back from that stuff. Ask Syd Barret. Yet the fact that this stuff with Noah started before the drugs has me baffled. Like some sort of incredible experience from another dimension could be going on. And to this day I don’t know what’s what.

So the last song, about the Barrio, it’s difficult to interpret. I think it happened between the second and third meth bender that I am going to tell you about. So I can’t really connect it to the prior ones in a consistent narrative. I just thought I had to include it here because, seriously, when I announced on Facebook that I am going to spend the rest of my life in Latin America, I get an angry song from Noah in Spanish. The law of probability was completely absent from my life throughout that entire time. It still is, to an extent. And I think I’ll never really be able to get fully sane until I find out what the heck happened with that chick.

Of course I can’t call her. Well, first, she has me blocked. But I have all the numbers of her family still. I even see them online on Telegram. But that guy Harold, he is still acting like I am harassing her. I say all kinds of things on the internet, write poems about all this, but I haven’t talked to those guys. I will tell you about how all that went as well. In fact, I think Harold is harassing me, trying to mess with my literary career because I wrote an angry poem some months back that he was the inspiration of.

I mean am I obsessed? Yes. To this day I love the Electrochemical Girl, and I can’t stop, and it messes with me in my life. But I cannot talk to these people ever because they will live the rest of their lives insisting that I am a stalker. Because I write poems and put them on the internet. But I am never going to contact any of them unless they contact me because I don’t want to feed any notion that I am actually bothering anyone. It seems the only way that I can satisfy them is to just not write what is on my mind. They’ve never asked me not to write anything or change anything I have written.

Anyway, this has been the longest e-mail I have written in my life, and I will never write one of this length to you again, I promise. And with all of its length, I really only wanted to provide you with the sampling of songs from the beginning up until the police incident. I just couldn’t resist including the one about the Barrio because I think the song about the sirens alone might not have been enough to convince you that these songs from Noah continued to have relevance to my life. This continued for like a year, amigo.

And I have to know what is going on. This isn’t some dude with a crush on a teenager. Yeah that was part of it. At times. I do legitimately want to emphasize the sense of passion and love that I conveyed above. But it’s about a dude who needs to know what is real.

From their end, if the van Ouwerkerks want me to go away and stop writing poems or whatever, this girl can call me and anchor me to reality a bit and help me out, and I can interpret these experiences that I have been telling you about, and the ones to follow, which are even weirder. You’d think a Christian could do that. Be nice to me a little bit and save my sanity with a little effort, and they’d get their wish of not having poems written about them or whatever. But I should stop ranting. For now I just have to live life with this eternal flame for this person that may or may not exist and these eternal questions about whether events in my life are even real or not. and not be able to do anything about it because if I even try they’ll have me locked up as a stalker.

And with that, I need to close this horrific e-mail out and get to telling you what happened back in 2019 that rocked my world forever. So before I get back into the drugs, I’ll tell you how I met my rabbi.

See you soon, maestro.

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